"AND NOW IT'S MY MOM"
My mom is not green. Not even a tinge. She could be, we think, but she doesn't really have the time to make the effort. She's a busy woman.
Her job is pretty demanding. She's "something in retail." But her hours are long, and so I often eat with Izz and her dad — my uncle, if you're playing along at home — and Granny. Even if her dad is cooking.
Mom doesn't suspect that I'm waging a quiet, personal war against her annoying boyfriend, Hoyt. She doesn't, for example, know that I have been seriously considering establishing a fake MySpace page for him, listing a strong interest in kittens and unicorns with a request for like-minded souls to send him their kitten videos and unicorn drawings.
Kids, I'm WAY too busy for this. I have very important deals to make, you know. Have my secretary fax you over my bio and some glossy headshots.
"DEX'S MOM'S ANNOYING BOYFRIEND, HOYT"
See what I mean? Annoying. Hoyt likes to think he's a fast-paced, early-adopting, power consumer. But he really is a doof who is no help around the house. He's all talk and very little walk.
And to him I'm just a bump in the road. But he knows he has to get along with me to stay "in" with Mom.
He doesn't live with us, thank goodness, but does drink straight out of the milk carton (when he thinks nobody is looking) as if he does live with us. He's new on the scene, and I have a strict "Last In, First Out" policy as far as family members go.
His only halfway good quality is that he can wiggle his ears without using his hands. He claims the way to do this is for you to keep your ears still and wiggle your head.
But Izz and I don't think this is even possible.